"Overwhelmed. That's where I'm at right now. The struggle to choose laziness over responsibility is strong. I want a clean house and I want to do my devotions but I don't want to do the work required. I'm tired. Jeremy and I had another disagreement and I ended up crying. We quickly worked it out before I headed off for my massage. I've been looking at my Bible all day and ignoring it."

That is an excerpt from my journal last night. I have been feeling overwhelmed with everything going on around me these past number of weeks. Jeremy and I are still in the midst of processing and listening to God. We both feel strongly that God is preparing us for something. We don't know what or when, but we believe it could be major when it happens. That in itself is scary for me! So with all these thoughts running through my mind I have been scared to listen to God. After all, what if He says something I don't want to hear!

This past week I have heard God calling me, wanting me to spend time with Him but I have succeeded in coming up with excuses (I'm hungry, do the dishes, do the laundry, play with the kids, read other people's blogs...). Jeremy and I have been at each other more this week. All these feelings of being weighed down, scared, overwhelmed, tired, guilty, sad for ignoring God - I have allowed them to keep me from turning to Jesus. Last night after our tiff, Jeremy and I talked through things, realizing that both of us had not been spending time with God this week which is why we weren't honoring each other. When a man and woman get married they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Also, we were made to know and long for the glory of God more than anything or anyone else. When we don't respect that, then everything falls apart (Romans 1:21-23). Jeremy and I have really felt that this past week. We weren't spending quality time (if any) with God and so were not going about our days with Christ-focused thoughts and actions; we weren't glorifying Him with our actions and words. How quick and easy it was to fall into the old pattern of bickering (the early years of our marriage). More from my journal:

"Tonight I'm finally listening to God and spending time with Him. I'm
so tired. All I could do was ask for forgiveness and crawl up into God's
lap and snuggle. I've missed Jesus and He's missed me."

As I continued picturing myself sitting in Jesus' lap, safe and secure, a tear trickled down my face. And some more from my journal:

"I'm tired. I didn't want to read my Bible but thought I'd give it a couple of minutes of my time.

Psalm 4 "Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. ...Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD. ...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

Psalm 5 "Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Morning by morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; morning by morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. ...But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence I will bow down toward your holy temple. ...But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

Psalm 9:9,10 "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Isaiah 46:4 "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

Psalm 3:3,4 "But you are a shield around me, O LORD, my Glorious One, who lifts up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill."

I'm so thankful now that I took a little more time and read my Bible. I was very encouraged and reminded again of God's love for me and His continued faithfulness, even till I'm old and gray! My heart is at peace again. I still don't know what the future holds, but I do know that God is sufficient to meet all my needs and that He will never leave me!